364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
You Might Also Like
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
best first i’ve ever seen
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat