Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
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[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
All. The. Damn. Time.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Friends that check up on you >
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.