You Might Also Like
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
How much for the goth pool noodles?
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I feel this so hard
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes