Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
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[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.