The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
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If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
#Caturday
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest