Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.
Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?
Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?
Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?
*3 hours later*
Her: What are you talking about?
Me: What’s one thing you don’t like about your girlfriend?
Him: She doesn’t swallow.
Me: What? How does she eat?
Me: Wanna go out?
Her: You’re not Black
Me: I’m Jewish. We’ve been persecuted more than them.
Me: That’s not why you like them?
The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.
Like father, like son.
Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?
When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.
Women treat me like God.
They only talk to me when they need something.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
My girlfriend is like my bike.
Some black guy stole her from me too.