My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
They did not think through this water fountain
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.