Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder