People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!