The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
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You can’t rush stupid.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*