My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
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(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it