[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I’d love this…lol
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495