A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.