I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”