“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?