Do you want to taunt a snowman?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.