-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.