Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.