COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
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My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
is this a warning or an offer?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.