Doug is just Canadian for dog
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
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