I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face