Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
bias laundering edition