thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
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I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Natural selection at its finest
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me: