Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
dictator is short for richard potato
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…