[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
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God making man in his image was the original selfie
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…