*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
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My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I feel seen.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Sorry. Not sorry
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.