Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
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It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose