The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
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[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
What kind of a cult is this?
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.