*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
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At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.