@HeyZeus666

The sign said ‘Free Range Chickens’. So, I took some.

@HeyZeus666

My grandfather said he’d never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks.

And now we wait.

@HeyZeus666

In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

Then mom gave birth to me.

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.

@HeyZeus666

Anyone who doesn’t believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.

@HeyZeus666

Roses are red

Violets don’t matter.

When a woman says ‘I love you’

Men scatter.

@HeyZeus666

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

And two half-wits don’t make a wit.

@HeyZeus666

I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.

@HeyZeus666

I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.

@HeyZeus666

Answer : Mrs.Claus

Question : Who was the only person in history that was unhappy when Santa came early?