I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
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My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Girl, same.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…