Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
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Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
im 7 sauces long
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah