@HeyoShellz

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

@HeyoShellz

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

@HeyoShellz

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

@HeyoShellz

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

@HeyoShellz

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

@HeyoShellz

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

@HeyoShellz

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

@HeyoShellz

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

@HeyoShellz

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*