[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier