God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.