Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”