“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
You Might Also Like
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]