*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
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What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
A leaf blower, but for people.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.