the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
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The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.