when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
synchronized noseblowing
guys I’m going home
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
scrabbled eggs
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?