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@Holy_Mowgli : *visiting Egypt*
"What the hell, they walk like everybody else!"
@Holy_Mowgli: [first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
@Holy_Mowgli: ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that's right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there's like a dozen of them in there
@Holy_Mowgli: car mechanic: I'm tired
drummer: I'm beat
pipe layer: I'm drained
gardener: I'm bushed
chef: I'm fried
tailor: I'm worn
plumber: I'm pooped
@Holy_Mowgli: ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you're crazy
@Holy_Mowgli: ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: "my friends and i"
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
@Holy_Mowgli: "what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?"
*slides resume across desk*
"I think this speaks for itself"
"sir…that's a parrot"
@Holy_Mowgli: *tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
@Holy_Mowgli: As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I'm an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
@Holy_Mowgli: boss: I'm sorry Alan we're going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
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FunnyTweeter.com is a daily updated collection of funniest tweets from all over the world. We did not write these tweets, all credit goes to the original authors, follow them and encourage them to tweet more :)
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