Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Holy_Mowgli's best tweets

@Holy_Mowgli : *visiting Egypt*

"What the hell, they walk like everybody else!"

@Holy_Mowgli: [first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

@Holy_Mowgli: ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that's right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there's like a dozen of them in there

@Holy_Mowgli: car mechanic: I'm tired
drummer: I'm beat
pipe layer: I'm drained
gardener: I'm bushed
chef: I'm fried
tailor: I'm worn
plumber: I'm pooped

@Holy_Mowgli: ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you're crazy


@Holy_Mowgli: ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: "my friends and i"
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

@Holy_Mowgli: "what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?"

*slides resume across desk*
"I think this speaks for itself"

"sir…that's a parrot"

@Holy_Mowgli: As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I'm an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

@Holy_Mowgli: boss: I'm sorry Alan we're going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N