The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.