GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
At least my masseuse has my back.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.