Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
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Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
And now we wait
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it