The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
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[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
found my next D&D character name
when someone compliments me
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.