Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
You Might Also Like
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
🙂🙃🥹
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.