Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time