JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?

T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor


Loudest noises in the world:

5. Fireworks
4. Motorcycles
3. Gunfire
2. Rockets
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower


ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5


GOD: [inventing earth] Let there be light

ANGEL: K, coolcool

GOD: [inventing lightning] Let there be murdery light

ANGEL: Uh what now


[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out


[Misses the bus with my dear friend Alanis Morrissette]

ALANIS: Ugh, this is like rain on your wedding day

ME: That’s still not ironic

ALANIS: It’s like painting a small elephant

ME: Nope, that’s not a thing

ALANIS: It’s like 74 when 349

ME: Are you even trying anymore


Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.

He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.


PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks





PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now


[on horseback dressed as a knight]

ME: I wish to battle your King

CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru

ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne

CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King

ME: Lies


RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately

DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?


DOCTOR: What have you been eating?

RACCOON: Garbage

DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things