JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?
T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor
Loudest noises in the world:
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
GOD: [inventing earth] Let there be light
ANGEL: K, coolcool
GOD: [inventing lightning] Let there be murdery light
ANGEL: Uh what now
[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out
[Misses the bus with my dear friend Alanis Morrissette]
ALANIS: Ugh, this is like rain on your wedding day
ME: That’s still not ironic
ALANIS: It’s like painting a small elephant
ME: Nope, that’s not a thing
ALANIS: It’s like 74 when 349
ME: Are you even trying anymore
Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.
He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
[on horseback dressed as a knight]
ME: I wish to battle your King
CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru
ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne
CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King
RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately
DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?
DOCTOR: What have you been eating?
DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things