@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes

LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim

@Home_Halfway

Sorry for writing “Everyone makes mistakes” in your wedding guestbook.

@Home_Halfway

ME: I miss you

KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It’s done. Stop calling me.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees

ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate

@Home_Halfway

ME: Are these your kids in this photo on your desk?

BOSS: Yep, Shaun and Kendra

ME: *taking out phone* I’ll show you my kids, Whiskers and Meowly Cyrus

BOSS: Uh, cats aren’t kids

ME: I don’t have any cats

@Home_Halfway

[After sex]

HER:

ME:

HER;

ME:

HER:

ME:

HER: Never use your Elmo voice again

@Home_Halfway

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: I’m not convinced

MUGGER: What

ME: Say it meaner

MU: YOUR MONEY NOW

ME: You weren’t feeling that

MU: Sigh, you’re right

ME: Maybe wave your gun around?

MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist

ME: Let’s just forget it

MU: Yeah, sorry man

@Home_Halfway

ME: Sure is nice to be fishing in the ocean today

*do do do do*

FRIEND: What was that?

ME: What was what?

*do do do do*

FRIEND: THAT

ME: Oh god

*DO DO DO DO*

FRIEND: WE’RE SURROUNDED BY BABY SHARKS

ME: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

*DO DO DO DO*

FRIEND: DO DO DO DO

ME: DO DO DO DO

@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your super power

LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times

PROFESSOR X: Astonishing

@Home_Halfway

M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*

M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?