I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
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My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.