[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
🤣
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me