“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
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If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!