Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”